The Big Let Down

"With Glowing Hearts...."

It should be more like "With Glowing Cheeks Of Embarrassment"

I LOVE the Olympics....that's why I haven't blogged in a while. I have been glued, no make that super glued to the TV for the last 11 days. Parts of it are like a bad train wreck that you can't help but watch and other parts just some really awesome athletes trying to win Gold.



So the whole thing didn't start off all that great....the death of that luger, sad very sad. Then VANOC had to say it was driver error. Really? Do you really think that was the best choice of wording to use? The the whole fiasco with the column not coming out of the ground for the lighting of the "indoor torch". Catriona Le May Doan took it all in stride....what a great Canadian. Did I mention the blue dress Nelly Furtado had on? Then poor Wayne....Standing in the back of that truck, in the rain, almost maiming several Olympic revelers not to mention almost being flung out of the truck himself.

The crappy weather which postponed some of the Alpine events and oh how icy that hill is. Cypress Mountain....really do you think that was such a great choice for a venue.....I know Whistler Creekside would not have been able to accommodate all those events, but I am sure there were other locations....

"Own the Podium"...enough said.

We have, by far, put way too much on the shoulders of these incredible athletes. We may not be raking in the medals like what was fore-casted but a heck of a lot of top 5 and top ten finishes. We should be happy with that.

Did I mention CTV's piss poor broadcasting? I think the amount of events be covered and being aired is dynamo....BUT all the other non-competition stuff is drivel. The morning and after noon shows are below par. Beverly Thompson drives me nuts not to mention that Lisa LaFlamme is about as entertaining as a bed bug. I have yet to see either one of these women put on anything "Canada". I guess they didn't get the memo nor see the any of this:



The worst moment for CTV's new crew out in Vancouver, had to have been the post race interview of Mellisa Hollingsworth. With tears streaming down her face, sobbing at the fact that she felt like she had just let the country down, the interviewer asked her "how she felt". Okay buddy, I wish I could find your name...'cause you should have at least hugged the poor girl and told her she did a great job.





Seriously, who asks such a freakin' stupid question? And no, it didn't make for good TV.

But I do love Brian Williams. He is the only bright spot in this fiasco CTV calls broadcasting. Brian Williams goes hand in hand with the Olympics. You cannot have the broadcasting rights and not have him being a part of it.

I truly feel, that all of our athletes are giving it there all. There are some great stores out there. You can not expect to produce a mountain full of medals with only fours years of contribution. These types of programs take years to establish roots.

There have been some really gut wrenching stories coming out of Vancouver. Chris Del Bosco...what a man. He hit rock bottom, and at eh age of 17 was kick off the US alpine team. He cleaned himself up, got well and because he held a duel citizenship, now skies for Canada. He placed fourth overall. What a great athlete.
That's just one of many.

I will continue to be glued to the TV until Sunday. I know we will achieve more medals, and even if we don't I will continue to be a proud Canadian and of the effort our Olympians have put forth.

And They Called It Puppy Love.....

I think I have finally lost my mind. Not just part of it, but the gosh darn whole thing.

After work tonight, I thought I would stop by my local mega-store to pick up a few items for supper. (A few items turned into a $75 shopping trip. I really hate when that happens) As I am finishing up, I notice their Valentine's display and realise that I have TOTALY forgotten about this card manufacturers/ chocolate makers day. I need to pick up my pre-teen son some cards for his class mates. Had too. Seeing how he had been asking me everyday for two weeks, and I kept forgetting or putting it off. I had too. There wasn't much to choose from, but after going through all the Hanna Montana's, Cars and Princes cards I finally found one that I thought was age appropriate. I decide to call my almost fourteen year-old and let him know that I was going to be late and before I knew what I was saying I asked "Did you want me to pick up some Valentine cards for you?" 14 year-old "Uhhhh, no, that's okay" Me "How about a stuffed animal or something for Kelsey?" Really? Seriously? Did I just ask my son if HE wanted ME to pick up a gift for his "girlfriend"?

I stopped in the middle of the isle I was in....holding my breath....hoping he actually didn't hear what I had just said, or that my cell phone would cut out. No such luck. "Really? You would do that?" You could almost see the smile coming through the phone. The question being, would I do that? HMMM let me think, no I really don't want to...that must have been crazy Mommy speaking.....'cause sane Mommy is thinking, I must be really losing it.

I don't mind doing things for my children, but buying a 14 year-old girl a small token of my sons affection....ewwwwww. I started to think that maybe it was too early for "kids" this age to start giving small gifts. I guess not really. I remember being in grade eight and receiving a flower and some candy from a boy. So maybe it isn't that premature after all. Maybe.....

I didn't really have an issue with the act of purchasing such a memento. It is more with the fact that my child wishes to give the memento. As I start to breath again, I cough, Z-man asks if I'm okay...."Ummmmhuuu" I manage to verbalize. "Really Mom? Thanks, I wanted to get her something, but didn't know when I would be able to go out. I'll pay you back." "Alright" I agree, a little light headed from holding my breath. "The max is $20. And that's with a card." I'm now shivering with the thought that I now have to pick out a card too.

He gives me a brief run down on what he does and does not want. I now spend the next half an hour going up and down the row looking for something befitting a young teen girl. Now I am lost..... Nine stuffed creatures later I end up with a pink fuzzy lion with a flower....simple easy no hearts or the word love. Perfect. I head for greeting card section, lets just put it this way...I thought I had a challenge with the gift, the card was even worse. Twenty minutes later I emerge with a generic card that has no suggestive meaning, or the word love. Perfect. I am victorious. WOOHOO

I get home, I unpack the goods. Z-Man is standing beside me watching as I take the stuff out of the bag and place it on the table. He holds up the stuffed animal and giggles and tells me that it was a pretty good choice. He looks at the card, reads it a couple of times, flips it over and back and says "Should I sign it Love Zack?"

Oh no you didn't just say that...............Not so perfect after all........

I quickly and politely, in my "Mother knows best voice" say...."Ummmm No. Just "Zack" will do nicely" "Oh, Okay Mom, Thanks for your help here is your money"

I flop down on the sofa and open my laptop and begin to blog. I guess my boy is growing up. I feel old. Not old like my Mom, maybe just older. I know there is no way in hell that my mother would have done that for me. Or even though of offering to do it. Was I crazy? Or is this just part of being a mother today? Have I lost it?

Ding Ding!!!!!

Sometimes don't you just want to toss in the old white towel and surrender.

It has been one of those weeks around this house. I feel like I'm gonna wake up one morning and walk out the front door with my hands above my head screaming "I give up....don't shoot" I feel like crap, to put it mildly, no actually, I feel worse than crap. I am tired all the time, can't sleep, I'm awake at 4:15ish every morning. (No wonder I'm tired.) Dw is on edge...he's writing a big exam n a couple of weeks...but according to him...I'm the one who needs counseling. Nice...really really nice. How do you say that to someone and not expect a fight? Seriously?

I may not be the easiest person to life with but by no means am I the Devil incarnate. not sure what we were arguing over...nothing big...oh oh...I remember...I didn't want a certain dishes put in the dish washer and he laughed at me... I told him to stop...the proceeded to get mad because I was insistent that I wanted the dish washed by hand. I know STUPID. Remember he's on edge...... So I went to my room. He cam up and wanted to know what was wrong....and then suggested that maybe I need to see a counselor or something, because I tend to put on a fake happy face sometimes. Are you getting this? This whole fight is over me not wanting a dish put in the dishwasher, which some how leads to me almost being committed.

I leave the room to DW and his thoughts.....he's a man there isn't many sometimes. I return a half hour later and he begins to explain that maybe if I have to pretend to be happy that maybe "we" need to see someone. Stop right there and back up the truck.....At this point I think he's having a mid-life crisis and He needs to see somebody. Long and short of it, he realises he's grumpy and that I am tired and that maybe sometimes you have to fake it so that you don't have to do this silly little dance. I had to explain that just because I faked I was happy during an argument or something doesn't mean I am unhappy....'cause let me tell you....he'd be the first one I would inform. Now it's all good. Men....they really can be that simple.

Z-Man is another story all together. I now know why animals eat their young. I love my children, but right now Z-Man is not one of my favorite people to be around. Needless to say he has acted inappropriately, very inappropriately and has subsequently lost his cell phone and all computer privileges, not to mention isn't aloud out of my sight for too friggin long. I wonder what did I do to fault him, for him to have such poor judgement and insight with almost no remorse for his actions. Am I that bad of a person? It breaks my heart to be so tough on him but i have no other choice. I feel I have failed as a parent.

At work, we are about to have some layoffs. I am safe but because I am a union steward I have to be there when the bad news is delivered, and then help them decide if they are going to accept it or "bump". It affects so many people. I feel for these people, how can it not bother me.

Some-days I just want to throw in the towel......

Open Up

Have you ever opened up you mouth to say something.....and hesitate....'cause you know what you're about to say is: a)either cause a fight or b) just not come out right? Tonight DW and I had one of those conversations.....enough said? No, apparently not.




Long story short...a friend asked DW to do some electrical work for them...I vaguely remember the conversation about a month ago....two days ago, DW informes me that he would be late after work because he was going to "Friends" house to do some work. At first, I just acknowledged him with a "Oh, o-kay"

Then it started to eat at me....and eat at me...it festered so bad that this morning I wanted to say something, but I was afraid.....We all know how these discussions start and end......So this evening, while we were getting supper ready, I opened up my mouth and say "Ummm" long pause "Never mind". DW immediately looks at me and says "What?". You can see where this conversation is going...... I say "Nothing" he says "Something". I try to sluff it off and he is now all paranoid, sits down and says...."You're afraid to tell me, because you don't want to start a fight" BINGO..... A flashing neon sign couldn't have said it better.

So I sucked it up...sat down and flatly said "I do not feel comfortable with you going over to "Friends" house". OMG , I thought, I told him how I felt and the world didn't come to an end, there was no screaming, yelling or stomping of feet, no cursing, no swearing, nothing......until I looked into his eyes and saw sheer and utter disappointment staring back at me....F%^$ Me....What the hell have I done.

This is why I didn't want to say a word. I knew it would go over a led balloon.

Now I feel like crap and I need to try and explain myself...which isn't happening...I think by this point I have my leg, up to my knee in my mouth...a new definition to "Open Mouth, Insert Foot".

We were able to talk about MY feeling, without any of the crap that would usually occur, (see above paragraph for a description)....but I had to face those sad brown eyes, that was painful enough....I just shake my head and wounder why he loves me....

Now that we've discussed it....I'm feeling a bit more comfortable with this "side job", and he understands (I think) what my concerns were...and it wasn't him, it was never about him.....even though, in the end that's what it sounded like.....

Those old insecurities, they have a tendency of cropping up when you least expect it......I guess we are never as confident as we think we are.....

Silence

The radio humming, the chant of television, the clock on the wall ticking, the fire truck screaming by, my pager at work beeping, my co-workers muttering amongst themselves, the murmur of the residents in the dining room, the crying of the cat and the clip clip of the dogs paws........................

It is so nice, after a long Sunday at work, to come home to peace and quiet. There seems to be so much background noise at home and work, but louder lately. I was actually relieved to find that I have the house to myself for a couple of hours. The house may look like a disaster zone (I really don't care about that right now), the only sound I hear is me tapping away at the key board. The dog hasn't even fussed. He is sound asleep in his kennel unaware that I'm home. I know this isn't going to last all evening but I'll take what I can get.

Soon enough the Boyz will come charging through the front door, daddy in tow, and gab my ear off about the hockey game they just finished watching. Which I don't mind, but the silence for me right now is golden.


The sounds of them running up and down the stairs, and asking a million and one questions, the dogs nails clipping along the floor when he walks and DW with the radio in every room on...I enjoy it all, but sometimes a break is needed. AHHHHH.....




Silence, just pure silence.

There used to be a time when I didn't like being alone like this. Quiet, with only my thoughts to keep me company. I didn't know how to be alone, nor how to use that time or direct my thoughts. It took a while, with some personal growth, some trills and tribulations, but I figured it out and now these precious moments of solitude give me time to de-stress and reflect. It makes me appreciate the sounds of my busy life even more.

Good Cop/Bad Cop

I am not sure what it is like in your household, but in mine, I am the bad cop. Not too sure as to how I got that permanent role, but from day one it has been me being the heavy hitter when it comes to disciplining our boys. Good Cop just sits there and lets me do it, or will in front of them tell I shouldn't have done that or that I was a little too harsh on one of them. If you don't like what I'm doing...take over.

DW can never give the boys an answer....wait i take that back. The answer he gives is ..... you guessed it..... "Go Ask Your Mother". That pretty much sums it up. So it is my decision if they can or can not do something. Then if he doesn't like that I gave them permission, he will later ask "Why are you letting them do that?". OMG....enough to make me want to scream.

Tonight I had a huge issue with the Z-Man. He decided he was going to print of 15 pages in colour, of I am not sure what.....lets just say I lost it a bit. The information he was printing wasn't even what he needed, he just assumed it was. I raised my voice, told him to cancel the printing job, instructed him that the next time he wanted to print something he would have to go through us first. I then proceeded to ask him if he was going to pay for the next ink cartridge....and explained that they are not cheep.

You would have thought that I had just spanked the kid with a wooden spoon...DW says to me in front of a 13 year old pubescent boy....enough...i think he gets the point. I didn't see you steppin' up top the plate to offer any guidance in the discipline department tonight. It just really gets my goat.

I know he doesn't do it maliciously, or to cause a problem. Just the fact that he doesn't understand that he is doing it makes it all that much worse. I had to leave the room, couldn't take any more of beining the bad cop. After I left i over heard DW saying to Z-Man "Before you print anything else, you better ask you mom.". Hey big guy, you could have given permission too.

I guess it is inevitable....when my children grow up and look back....I'll be the Bad Cop.....

I Know....Rock Climbing

That wont work.....I 'm afraid of heights

I need a hobby. I don't really count this as a hobby, this is more of a good waste of time and on some occasions a forum to vent in. Here's the catch....I don't know what I want to do in my spare time. A hobby by definition is: an activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation. Yeah...that narrows it down for me.

What am I interested in? I'm interested in all sorts of activities.....I think the question should be more like...What will hold my interest for longer than 10 min. Not only that, but what will satisfy me, not frustrate the be jiggers out of me? And you can't forget, not break the bank. Some of the hobbies that I see people doing cost a small fortune.

One of main issues is that I am a "Instant Gratification" type person. If i am not going to see results immediately, I don't want to do it. That now narrow my list of potential hobbies down to exclude anything that may need a new skill to be learned. Lets just say, there are a whole lot of skills out there that I haven't mastered nor do I think in this life time do I plan on even trying to master.

With the list shortened, it brings me back to the whole pleasure or relaxation.....
Let see, drinking brings me pleasure, it makes me very happy, but I don't think that is a hobby I am willing to take up on a full time basis....once in a while sure but not full time. I enjoy reading, it relaxes me so much that it often puts me to sleep. I don't thin k that is they type of relaxation the definition is referring to. I like and enjoy eating. It too brings me pleasure. Eating, as a hobby? No, it's right up there with drink. Exercise? Nope. I find no friggin' pleasure in that. I like to watch TV, sometimes. That too is a waste of time. Can you now see the pickle I'm in?

Scrapbooking, stamping, cooking, baking, sewing, quilting, any of that knitting stuff....it just isn't for me. Some of it is very nice and tasty, but really it isn't what I am looking to do. Maybe a class. Then I will need to ask myself...What type of class? And the list starts all over again. See what I'm talking about?

I do enjoy photography, I am not very good at it, and it is a skill I might be interested in learning....but not sure 'cause of that whole "instant Gratification" thing I was telling you about. But then classes in that are expensive too. ARG...it is so frustrating trying to find something to do with my "extra" time.

I do have a list of things that need accomplishing around the house, and I guess I could do it in the "extra" time slot. But then again, sweeping, laundry, dusting and doing dishes isn't pleasurable, there for those are not hobbies.

Maybe my blog is my hobby, and my hobby is my blog? Can this truly be my hobby?