Open Up

Have you ever opened up you mouth to say something.....and hesitate....'cause you know what you're about to say is: a)either cause a fight or b) just not come out right? Tonight DW and I had one of those conversations.....enough said? No, apparently not.




Long story short...a friend asked DW to do some electrical work for them...I vaguely remember the conversation about a month ago....two days ago, DW informes me that he would be late after work because he was going to "Friends" house to do some work. At first, I just acknowledged him with a "Oh, o-kay"

Then it started to eat at me....and eat at me...it festered so bad that this morning I wanted to say something, but I was afraid.....We all know how these discussions start and end......So this evening, while we were getting supper ready, I opened up my mouth and say "Ummm" long pause "Never mind". DW immediately looks at me and says "What?". You can see where this conversation is going...... I say "Nothing" he says "Something". I try to sluff it off and he is now all paranoid, sits down and says...."You're afraid to tell me, because you don't want to start a fight" BINGO..... A flashing neon sign couldn't have said it better.

So I sucked it up...sat down and flatly said "I do not feel comfortable with you going over to "Friends" house". OMG , I thought, I told him how I felt and the world didn't come to an end, there was no screaming, yelling or stomping of feet, no cursing, no swearing, nothing......until I looked into his eyes and saw sheer and utter disappointment staring back at me....F%^$ Me....What the hell have I done.

This is why I didn't want to say a word. I knew it would go over a led balloon.

Now I feel like crap and I need to try and explain myself...which isn't happening...I think by this point I have my leg, up to my knee in my mouth...a new definition to "Open Mouth, Insert Foot".

We were able to talk about MY feeling, without any of the crap that would usually occur, (see above paragraph for a description)....but I had to face those sad brown eyes, that was painful enough....I just shake my head and wounder why he loves me....

Now that we've discussed it....I'm feeling a bit more comfortable with this "side job", and he understands (I think) what my concerns were...and it wasn't him, it was never about him.....even though, in the end that's what it sounded like.....

Those old insecurities, they have a tendency of cropping up when you least expect it......I guess we are never as confident as we think we are.....

Silence

The radio humming, the chant of television, the clock on the wall ticking, the fire truck screaming by, my pager at work beeping, my co-workers muttering amongst themselves, the murmur of the residents in the dining room, the crying of the cat and the clip clip of the dogs paws........................

It is so nice, after a long Sunday at work, to come home to peace and quiet. There seems to be so much background noise at home and work, but louder lately. I was actually relieved to find that I have the house to myself for a couple of hours. The house may look like a disaster zone (I really don't care about that right now), the only sound I hear is me tapping away at the key board. The dog hasn't even fussed. He is sound asleep in his kennel unaware that I'm home. I know this isn't going to last all evening but I'll take what I can get.

Soon enough the Boyz will come charging through the front door, daddy in tow, and gab my ear off about the hockey game they just finished watching. Which I don't mind, but the silence for me right now is golden.


The sounds of them running up and down the stairs, and asking a million and one questions, the dogs nails clipping along the floor when he walks and DW with the radio in every room on...I enjoy it all, but sometimes a break is needed. AHHHHH.....




Silence, just pure silence.

There used to be a time when I didn't like being alone like this. Quiet, with only my thoughts to keep me company. I didn't know how to be alone, nor how to use that time or direct my thoughts. It took a while, with some personal growth, some trills and tribulations, but I figured it out and now these precious moments of solitude give me time to de-stress and reflect. It makes me appreciate the sounds of my busy life even more.

Good Cop/Bad Cop

I am not sure what it is like in your household, but in mine, I am the bad cop. Not too sure as to how I got that permanent role, but from day one it has been me being the heavy hitter when it comes to disciplining our boys. Good Cop just sits there and lets me do it, or will in front of them tell I shouldn't have done that or that I was a little too harsh on one of them. If you don't like what I'm doing...take over.

DW can never give the boys an answer....wait i take that back. The answer he gives is ..... you guessed it..... "Go Ask Your Mother". That pretty much sums it up. So it is my decision if they can or can not do something. Then if he doesn't like that I gave them permission, he will later ask "Why are you letting them do that?". OMG....enough to make me want to scream.

Tonight I had a huge issue with the Z-Man. He decided he was going to print of 15 pages in colour, of I am not sure what.....lets just say I lost it a bit. The information he was printing wasn't even what he needed, he just assumed it was. I raised my voice, told him to cancel the printing job, instructed him that the next time he wanted to print something he would have to go through us first. I then proceeded to ask him if he was going to pay for the next ink cartridge....and explained that they are not cheep.

You would have thought that I had just spanked the kid with a wooden spoon...DW says to me in front of a 13 year old pubescent boy....enough...i think he gets the point. I didn't see you steppin' up top the plate to offer any guidance in the discipline department tonight. It just really gets my goat.

I know he doesn't do it maliciously, or to cause a problem. Just the fact that he doesn't understand that he is doing it makes it all that much worse. I had to leave the room, couldn't take any more of beining the bad cop. After I left i over heard DW saying to Z-Man "Before you print anything else, you better ask you mom.". Hey big guy, you could have given permission too.

I guess it is inevitable....when my children grow up and look back....I'll be the Bad Cop.....

I Know....Rock Climbing

That wont work.....I 'm afraid of heights

I need a hobby. I don't really count this as a hobby, this is more of a good waste of time and on some occasions a forum to vent in. Here's the catch....I don't know what I want to do in my spare time. A hobby by definition is: an activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation. Yeah...that narrows it down for me.

What am I interested in? I'm interested in all sorts of activities.....I think the question should be more like...What will hold my interest for longer than 10 min. Not only that, but what will satisfy me, not frustrate the be jiggers out of me? And you can't forget, not break the bank. Some of the hobbies that I see people doing cost a small fortune.

One of main issues is that I am a "Instant Gratification" type person. If i am not going to see results immediately, I don't want to do it. That now narrow my list of potential hobbies down to exclude anything that may need a new skill to be learned. Lets just say, there are a whole lot of skills out there that I haven't mastered nor do I think in this life time do I plan on even trying to master.

With the list shortened, it brings me back to the whole pleasure or relaxation.....
Let see, drinking brings me pleasure, it makes me very happy, but I don't think that is a hobby I am willing to take up on a full time basis....once in a while sure but not full time. I enjoy reading, it relaxes me so much that it often puts me to sleep. I don't thin k that is they type of relaxation the definition is referring to. I like and enjoy eating. It too brings me pleasure. Eating, as a hobby? No, it's right up there with drink. Exercise? Nope. I find no friggin' pleasure in that. I like to watch TV, sometimes. That too is a waste of time. Can you now see the pickle I'm in?

Scrapbooking, stamping, cooking, baking, sewing, quilting, any of that knitting stuff....it just isn't for me. Some of it is very nice and tasty, but really it isn't what I am looking to do. Maybe a class. Then I will need to ask myself...What type of class? And the list starts all over again. See what I'm talking about?

I do enjoy photography, I am not very good at it, and it is a skill I might be interested in learning....but not sure 'cause of that whole "instant Gratification" thing I was telling you about. But then classes in that are expensive too. ARG...it is so frustrating trying to find something to do with my "extra" time.

I do have a list of things that need accomplishing around the house, and I guess I could do it in the "extra" time slot. But then again, sweeping, laundry, dusting and doing dishes isn't pleasurable, there for those are not hobbies.

Maybe my blog is my hobby, and my hobby is my blog? Can this truly be my hobby?

TV Critic I Am Not.....

I have found the sleeper hit of the year, for me that is. And I hope that you will take the time to check it out. To start i must let you know that I have never been a fan of CBC programming....cheesy and cheep really don't begin to describe it. Other than "The Rick Mercer Report" and the "Dragon's Den" (which the US has started to air there own version called "Shark Tank") I always skipped right past channel eight on my cable box.



Over the last month I started seeing promos for a show called "Republic of Doyle" and how it is set in Newfoundland, about a father/son P.I. team. I usually don't get to excited about a Canadian TV show, but I wanted to check this one out. OMG.....it is funny and good.

It's like "Starsky and Hutch" meets "Magnum P.I." in 2010, on a Canadian budget set in beautiful St. Johns. It really is unique. I know there have been tons of detective and detective like shows over the years and it seams "Republic of Doyle" has taken the best qualities from them all and rolled them into a really great Canadian production.

If you get a chance, tune in and watch. Wednesdays at 9pm on CBC or you can watch it right of the CBC web-site.




p.s.
My BFF's last name is Doyle, and that intrigued me as well... What would a TV show with her last name in the title be like? I now have my answer.

Confessions Of A Cheater

I need to come clean....but first I need to tell how frigggin' good it was. It was more than good it was mind blowing. But now, I have guilt...major guilt, so before it (the guilt) consumes me to the point of no return I need to spill my dirty deed.

I cheated on my husband today....not with an other man, but by drinking a very cold and might I add refreshing cola. Go ahead and laugh, I know you want too. DW and I decided to give up pop last week. Instead we've been drinking water with lemon...to give that bland clear stuff a bit of flavour. He has moaned and groaned through the process but has done amazingly well. I, on the other hand, thought I was doing well until today. Did I tell you I am a Pepsi lover. Maybe addict would be a better description.




At work today, the residents were involved in an activity called "Lunch Bunch". This is when they can sign up and order food from said restaurant of the month. Today was Dirty Bird. (KFC) Because I helped serve the special lunch they gave me a meal as well. Included in that meal was a cola. I stared it down. I swore to myself that I was not going to drink it. As I sat down to eat the chicken that had been saved for me, I poured myself a large glass of ice water.

First bite went down with the water no problem and so did the second. As I put my glass back on the table I touched the cold can of cola. Condensation dripping down the the aluminum. I can do this I thought. And I did. I did not open that can ..... until I started the second piece of chicken. It tasted so good. The fizz hitting the tip of my nose as I drank. Really... who in their right mind would just drink water with that greasy stuff. It just can not be done. I would have drank a whole two liter bottle if I had the chance.

Now I need to decide if I should tell DW or not. Maybe my confession here is good enough. But then, I am not being completely honest with him, 'cause let me tell you, he thinks that I am suffering right along side of him.

To tell or not to tell that is the question. I'm gonna have to ponder this one for a while. (As I savour the remainder of the pop on my taste buds)

I Need My Blog Fix

I have found this blog that I like and very much enjoy reading, but the last few days I haven't been able to access any of her posts. As soon as I click on the link to go to the site, weather it is through google or another blogger who also follows "The Perks Of Being Young and Married", my browser pretty much stops working. It just spins and spins. I can't go back and I can't stop the action, I can only shut the window completely. It has become rather frustrating because I looked forward perusing her blog and this week, if the little snip-its I could see, looks to be interesting. I don't think it's my computer, seeing I can open other blogs with out incident or problem. And it is only her blog i have the issue with, No other page on the web.




I can get to her "Profile Page" and see what blogs she likes and all that stuff. I am, however, unable to email her telling her the problem, due to the fact I don't have a configured email program on my laptop. ARG....


From the small sound bites i have seen or her blog these last few days it is something to do with one of their Grandfathers, living in a nursing home and not doing so well. These posts have really peeked my interest, for obvious reasons. (if you don't know, I work in Long-term Care, and having been looking after seniors for over 14 years). Alas, yet another try with still no luck. I will continue to try. If anyone out there reads her blog, please give me a update and leave her a message letting her know that one follower just can't bring it up.

Not A Bit

Nothing, I've got absolutely noda, nothing, zilch to blog about today. Nothing for me to ponder about, whine over, bitch or complain about. There is absolutely no drama gong on in my life.....I know, weird eh? My life seems so empty with out it.



Don't get me wrong, there is plenty of incidental things I could grumble about but they really aren't worth the time nor the effort. When I think about it, it is rather sad because I am rarely speechless. I like to try and find something interesting to blog/vent about. Something i can laugh at in the end. So I guess you could say the last few days have been pretty uneventful for moi. I will continue to try but I've hit some type of proverbial brick wall....hard. Till next time.... Lets hope I'm a bit more wound up.

Man Eyes

You may be asking yourself "What the heck is man eyes?". Well, let me tell you, we all know someone who has man eyes. I'm not talking about those sexy eyes that stare back at you from between the bed sheets. Nor am I talking about men who need to wear glasses, mind you some should. I'm talking about the eyes that male species uses to look for things. See, you're nodding your head. You know what I'm talking about.

When you ask them to get you something and they answer back, I can't find it....I just want to say...Are you looking with your man eyes again? Seriously, they can't find anything, unless you specifically tell them the exact longitude and latitude that it will be located it. I ask my boys to get the dogs bark collar and put it on him. True story, they ran up and down three fights of stairs looking for it, not once but twice....then came to me and told me they couldn't find it. If the weren't looking with their man eyes, they would have found it...it was right on the stairs, they had to step over it four times....it's like hitting your head against a brick wall.

My husband is just as guilty. He does it all the freaking time too. Not only do I have to leave him a list (groceries, chores) but I now have to leave him directions to where he can find something in the house, 'cause if I don't he wont be able to find it. I think possibly that he does this so I might not take the time to write out such details and just do it myself.... ummm NOPE.

I'll admit it, I loose my glasses on a regular basis, not because I can't find them, I just forget where I took them off. I have been known to purposely not pick something up off the floor/stairs, just to see if any of the three male beings in my house would notice...not a fat chance. Weeks could go by and none of them would see the key/toonie/package of toilet paper. Big or small....they are blind to it all. Size doesn't matter. When I call them out on it, the usual answer is, I didn't notice. Nice real nice. How could you not notice 16 rolls of freaking toilet paper sitting on the stairs? Oh that's right, you were looking with you man eyes.

I hope when this whole cloning thing gets going, that it will be an option, when you are genetically picking traits/features for your unborn child, that you could pick a male baby with female eyes...Or heck even transplants... Ohh to have man eyes, then maybe I wouldn't notice the mess, laundry or dishes that need to be done .... wait a moment...sign me up for my transplant of Man Eyes.

Not a Best Friend

I got a call today from an old friend. Not that I have known the person a long time, but someone who I had once been close with. She and her family moved about 120 kilometers away a few years back. It was very nice to catch up and chat with her. As we updated each other on the goings on in our lives, I realized that it was truly my fault that things kinda fell by the way side. She honestly tried and tried to keep the friendship going, but I would always find an excuse or not answer the phone, almost like I had given up...like what's the point, they are far away.

It is difficult to have a friendship that is a bit distant and I have a couple, they take a lot of time and effort. The sad thing is, our husbands knew each other and our children are the same age. It was almost like out of sight out of mind.

I guess you could say some times too, I felt that they were too good for us, you know better off than us and that maybe someday that would come between us. It did, not from them, from me. My own insecurities about our financial standing, and house and what ever else,came between us and an a great set of friends. I know they never judged us nor looked down at us. She is a genuine person and i failed to see that all those years ago. She, still sees the good in all, and hopes that we can come see them soon, and was happy to have gotten a hold of me, just as I was happy that she tried.

I hope to make a conscious effort to become a better friend, not just to her, but to all of my friends. I seem to, at times, put more effort in to one relationship than others. I look forward to getting reacquainted with some old friends and improving the relationships I have with others.

Nap Time

I've been bad and I am sorry that I've missed a few posts....and really there is no excuse..other than I am having one heck of a time keeping my open after 6pm. (WooHoo I made it past nap time today.) What is up with that? Not so sure why, but man, I have been exhausted the last few evenings. Yes I have a physically demanding job and I am puling, pushing, lugging and on my feet for the good part of the day...but I feel burnt.

I do get up fairly early, so I guess when 6pm comes around my old body starts screaming "Hey, you've been a wake for twelves hours, time to take a nap". The only problem with having a wee "cat nap" is either I wake up shortly there after feeling even worse and head to bed for the evening and watch tv...or continue to sleep straight through until the beeping of may alarm wakes me the next morning. Neither of which is very productive. Mind you neither is me spending an hour or so an evening plunking away at the key board of my computer. My point being, i just don't remember it all being so tiring. It's like 30 plus years have finally caught up with me and has decided NOW, to slow me down.

It was a running joke, back in my senior year of high school, that after your 18th birthday, you were once again able to have a nap. Not so sure how the whole topic of naps would come up in a group of young adults, ready to take on the world, but it routinely did. Seriously, you would see someone yawn and you would say...Sorry soandso but you're not 18 yet...and if we were 18, we soooo took advantage of the nap thing during spares, liquid lunches....you get the point. I on the other had only turned 18 during final exams...so yea...no naps back then for me. Apparently I, am making up for that now.

I used to be such a night owl. I could stay up until the sun started to shine, party, watch tv, whatever...now I am lucky to see midnight on a weekend. I just can't do it. This old body has decided to pause and rest for a while.

Some say that with some exercise, eating right, udda,udda, udda, i wouldn't feel so fatigued. Sorry, I need my energy to cook super, clean the house, and of course blog. I think If i could just have a mid-afternoon nap, things would be better. The Mexicans have it right, a siesta at 2pm...right up my ally..not this six o'clock stuff that I've been guilty of practicing. I wonder, do you think my boss would mind if I put my feet up and took a rest in the middle of my shift?



I say we bring back "Nap Time", it's not just for toddlers anymore...but you do need to be over 18 to enjoy.

Packing It Away For Another Year

Today is the day that I deconstruct the house of everything Christmas.....anyone want to do it for me? Time to pull out the totes and boxes and attempt to cram everything back in and then try and find a place to store it all. Heaves no, could I even be tempted to toss anything that hasn't been used in a few Christmases, 'cause you never know, I may want to use it next year. (even though it's shabby looking and needs to meet it's maker at he Carp dump) Why can some of us not part with "things"?

I have a plate rack that holds four plats...one broke....yep your right I still have the rack and three plates...'cause you never know.....I know i will never use it again....but still i can not bring myself to chuck it. What compels us to hang on to such drivel? It's not like I'm a hoarder with major issues, more like a pack rat who like to keep some things. It doesn't help that I have a husband who also has a hard time parting with things.

Ever since I could remember my parents and grandparents always called me a pack rat. I would have everything in my room and it would always be in disarray. I could never find anything, I hid things in draws, under the bed and in my closet. You could see floor and lots of it, and you could still see the bed and other furniture, I just didn't like having to relinquish anything that came into my possession. I moved several times as a child and maybe always having to pack my stuff up and having to pitch things all the time has created the collector I am.

It's not like I am collector of "insert collectible here", I just have a hard time pitching things to the rubbish pile or even donating....'cause anything I want to give to charity ends up sitting on my landing or in the corner of the room for months on end collecting dust, until i get angry with the fact that I've moved it ten times and tell DW to take it to the curb or nearest drop bin. Maybe some part of it too, is the fact that I am a procrastinator. Great traits to have eh?

I better get my but in gear or this will never get done.....ooh there's an idea...I'll just leave it up until next December.

2010

Happy 2010 Everyone!

Well as expected, I was sleeping by 10pm last night. I mean no biggy, but gone are the days when celebrating New Years was a BIG deal. When you have to get up to go to wok the next morning...doing my job tired and hungover are not an option. Don't get me wrong I love the big party but there is always another one for some other occasion.

I hope that each and every one of you had a safe yet enjoyable evening...even if you were in bet early, like myself. I hope your hangover isn't too bad....nothing like a little SNAT......grease kills it, trust me...thanks Carrrie for that one.

I would like, at some point, to go to a big gala. You know the one, where you need to dress up...not necessarily black tie but fancy. You get a five course meal and dance the night away. i think it would be fun, weather it is just Dw and myself or even go with an other couple or so. Maybe I'll set my sights on that for New Years 2011. (but it's not a resolution).

Anyway, enjoy the day with your family and friends, my 2010 be filled with laughter, love and happiness.