Open Up

Have you ever opened up you mouth to say something.....and hesitate....'cause you know what you're about to say is: a)either cause a fight or b) just not come out right? Tonight DW and I had one of those conversations.....enough said? No, apparently not.




Long story short...a friend asked DW to do some electrical work for them...I vaguely remember the conversation about a month ago....two days ago, DW informes me that he would be late after work because he was going to "Friends" house to do some work. At first, I just acknowledged him with a "Oh, o-kay"

Then it started to eat at me....and eat at me...it festered so bad that this morning I wanted to say something, but I was afraid.....We all know how these discussions start and end......So this evening, while we were getting supper ready, I opened up my mouth and say "Ummm" long pause "Never mind". DW immediately looks at me and says "What?". You can see where this conversation is going...... I say "Nothing" he says "Something". I try to sluff it off and he is now all paranoid, sits down and says...."You're afraid to tell me, because you don't want to start a fight" BINGO..... A flashing neon sign couldn't have said it better.

So I sucked it up...sat down and flatly said "I do not feel comfortable with you going over to "Friends" house". OMG , I thought, I told him how I felt and the world didn't come to an end, there was no screaming, yelling or stomping of feet, no cursing, no swearing, nothing......until I looked into his eyes and saw sheer and utter disappointment staring back at me....F%^$ Me....What the hell have I done.

This is why I didn't want to say a word. I knew it would go over a led balloon.

Now I feel like crap and I need to try and explain myself...which isn't happening...I think by this point I have my leg, up to my knee in my mouth...a new definition to "Open Mouth, Insert Foot".

We were able to talk about MY feeling, without any of the crap that would usually occur, (see above paragraph for a description)....but I had to face those sad brown eyes, that was painful enough....I just shake my head and wounder why he loves me....

Now that we've discussed it....I'm feeling a bit more comfortable with this "side job", and he understands (I think) what my concerns were...and it wasn't him, it was never about him.....even though, in the end that's what it sounded like.....

Those old insecurities, they have a tendency of cropping up when you least expect it......I guess we are never as confident as we think we are.....